We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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