I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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