i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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