So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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