If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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