What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
