I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize