it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
