I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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