you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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