a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
