Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
