I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
