Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
