Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
