she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
