he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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