I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
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Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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