I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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