shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
