He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
