Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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