don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
