I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
