Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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