In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
