I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
