My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
