I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
