Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize