my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
