Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
