Just fell off a train. Bad.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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