Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Enjoy the penises
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
