If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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