i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
