You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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