i permit you to call me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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