a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
