Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
