After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
