I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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