I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
