oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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