my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
