If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
