The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
