She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize