Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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