btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
