Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
