I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
