Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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