Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
