he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
