i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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