hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
