I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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