So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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