he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
