And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
