She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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